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The Work Has (Mostly) Stopped: Potty Training Part 3
I’ve written twice about starting the potty-training process with my toddler, who will be turning 3 next month.
We pulled out the potty chair at around Christmas time because he was always telling us when he went in his diaper. And he did well for the first few weeks as far as telling us he had to go or trying to go by sitting on the potty at certain times.
Then he had a turnaround, where he didn’t want to even try anymore. That’s when I asked for some help. You guys gave me some great ideas about different things to try, some of which I did try, like the stickers for a reward and using underwear instead of diapers or pull-ups.
My goal was to be done changing diapers by the time he turned 3. Ha! We have only one month remaining, and things aren’t looking good.
Anyway, none of the suggestions or my own ideas were working, so we continued just putting him on the potty at intervals, which he fought so hard against that I eventually just gave up, mostly. Now we just talk about the potty and I ask if he has to go. Sometimes he says yes and goes, but most of the time, he yells no, and I have stopped pushing it. He even loves this book called “Caillou: Potty Time,” and often will want to go potty after he reads it. So I know he’s getting close.
Several parents who have been through this process have told me, “one day, she just got it” or “suddenly, he just decided he didn’t want to go in his diaper anymore.” So, I’ve decided to go the relaxed route instead. No more pushing so hard to get him trained right away.
Now my goal is to be done changing diapers by the time he’s 4, which will be just in time for preschool next August. There’s nothing like barely making the deadline.
As always, let me know if you have any advice, or if you can relate, in the comments section.
My other blog posts on potty training:
The Work Continues: Potty Training Part 2
Subscribe to the comments for this postJust Text Me
I remember my grandparents, and occasionally my parents, spelling out things when I was a kid so I wouldn’t know what they were talking about.
That lasted only until I could spell, which apparently wasn’t long enough for my grandparents, who still wanted to keep secrets from my listening ears. My grandmother has told me a story where she spelled something, and I piped up, saying something like, “Grandma, why don’t you want me to know about that?” That was the end of the spelling.
Associated Press - Greg Abel and his wife Jennifer Mendelsohn's children, Alec, left, and Ethan, right, jokingly hold their hands over their ears April 18 in Baltimore. Whether it's out and about or stuck at home with no date night in sight, parents are constantly on the hunt for kid-proof ways to communicate with each other about things that can't wait until bedtime.
Mostly, though, what they were spelling were things they wanted to check with my parents if it was OK to give me, like i-c-e c-r-e-a-m.
I have found myself spelling things once in a while, unfortunately enough, since when I was a kid I thought it was a silly thing to do.
Sometimes, you just can’t get around it — and it’s an easy thing to do, especially when the kid you’re avoiding talking in front of is only 3. He surely can’t spell b-a-t-h or c-o-o-k-i-e yet.
And if you say bath or cookie out loud, you might as well just give him a cookie and put him in the bath right this instant because you’re not going to be able to forget about it until you give in. After all, you’re the one who brought these things up.
I ran across an Associated Press story a couple of weeks ago that talked about the new thing in keeping things from little ears — texting, e-mailing, IMing. That’s right. The high-tech version of s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g, and one that could stand the test of time, as long as your teen doesn’t get a hold or your cell phone or hack into your e-mail.
Here’s a portion of the AP story:
“There was a time when I would get really upset if I was IMed from another room in the house. Now it’s a complete parental survival tool,” says KellyAnn Bonnell, whose kids are 10 and 15.
Tammy Gold, a parenting coach in Short Hills, N.J., says phones and online tools are particularly important in tight spaces like apartments, where there are fewer secluded spots, and especially with older kids who stay up as late or later than the grown-ups.
“I’ve had parents who say it’s weeks before they can speak,” she says.
Parents in two-BlackBerry households are using the company’s free text service and relying on the messaging features on Facebook since they’re logging on frequently anyway. Others have come up with languages all their own.
“Should we partake in a visit to the place with aluminum obstacles or cages containing mammals?” Greg Abel and his wife value their synonyms — that’s the playground and the zoo — when their kids are listening, especially when more open discussion would likely lead to a sibling spat or major disappointment.
“We have a bright 5-year-old who can spell, so we can’t spell out words in front of him,” said Abel, from Baltimore, Md. “If we’re trying to decide if we should give him ice cream, but only after his younger brother has gone to bed, we might say, ‘Should we give the elder a frozen confection?”’
Jessica Gottleib, the mother of an 11-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son in Los Angeles, grew up with elders who spoke German when they didn’t want the kids to hear.
She and her husband text at home for ears-only chats and aren’t above a little incentive to keep their confabs confidential.
“We usually just send them out of the room and then whisper, though we’ve been known to give them a dollar if they scat faster.”
Not everyone’s on board the technology train in excluding kids. Sharon Hirsch, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the University of Chicago Medical Center, thinks parents lose a lot when they rely too much on instant technology.
“Texting or e-mailing is fine for brief informational exchanges like I’m picking up Jimmy at 7,” she said. “But the best way to communicate complex ideas, issues and concepts is directly, face to face. You don’t do that in an IM.”
I certainly can see the appeal of a short text conversation or update between parents. I mean, I’ve already admitted to spelling to avoid saying a word in front of my toddler.
The thing about spelling is it only works for a short time. But texting, e-mailing or IMing could be good tools for parents long after the kids become proficient in spelling, but only if those tools are used for little things. Hopefully texting, e-mailing or IMing don’t become a crutch people use to avoid face-to-face interaction and tough discussions. I’m with the psychiatrist quoted in the AP story on that.
Day Care Dilemma
I received a comment on one of my earlier posts about how you make the transition from being a career woman to being a career woman with family and a child. I responded that it’s a work in progress and I’m constantly making adjustments to make the most of my time at work and my time at home. But I wanted to devote a post or two about some of the issues surrounding the experience of being a working mother. This one is about one of the toughest choices parents make — whether or not to send their child to day care.
A goal of mine is that one aspect of my life doesn’t become so overwhelming, time-consuming or stressful so that I can focus on family or work when I need and want to. The last thing you want to worry about all evening when you haven’t seen your toddler or husband for 9 to 10 hours that day is that report or project you didn’t get done for work. Conversely, you don’t want to constantly fret over whether your child is eating too much junk food at day care, or worse, while you’re supposed to be working.
The reality is, many families would like to have a parent stay home, at least for the first year or two, with the child. Usually for financial reasons, though, they choose to have both parents work.
Maybe one spouse doesn’t have insurance and the other one can get it, or maybe one of them just got a promotion. Or maybe they’d be able to make it, but wouldn’t be able to afford a car or some other essential without the second salary. So after putting a pencil to paper, they choose to send their child to day care.
For me, and many of the parents I’ve talked to, it was a tough choice to make. Some days, if those days get longer than the typical work day, or if your child clings to your leg or cries as you’re trying to drop him off, the decision to work is still tough.
Sometimes I feel guilty about not quitting work to stay home with my son. Why? It’s not because I’m unhappy with my day care provider or because I think he won’t learn things there, but because I’m not the one teaching him how to say his ABCs or use Play-Doh or slide down a slide for the first time.
By choosing day care, you naturally don’t get to be there for all of the firsts that you would get to be there for if you were staying home with your child. You get to hear about some of them or continue teaching him, but you don’t necessarily get to start it all.
So instead of obsessing over what I might be missing, I talk to him about his day, find out what he did, and marvel at his ability to do all the things he can do already and how excited he is to tell me about them. Before he could talk, I would (and still do) check in with the day care provider about what is new or different so I can build on that at home.
More importantly, when I am with my child, I try not to think about what remains on my desk at work to be done — at least not while he’s awake. Instead, I try to concentrate on what we’re doing together and try to let him guide our play and learning time together.
In addition to what I’m missing, sending my child to day care means I give up some control over the parenting process. Since I’m not there during the day, I don’t deal with every one of the meltdowns or fights or whatever goes on. I have to trust my day care provider to do that for me.
It’s scary to let go of that control, but it’s also part of parenting. Your child learns faster how to deal with other people and their feelings because they are in a group environment on a daily basis. You can reinforce messages or discipline issues at home that your child may be dealing with, but your day care provider becomes the frontline in helping teach or modify a behavior because children spend so much time at day care.
I would be surprised if most parents don’t at some point second-guess the important decisions — like choosing work vs. day care. But in the end, you have to make the best choice for your family based on your needs, goals and priorities. And then, if you choose day care, you need to do all you can before choosing a person who will care for your child to make sure the environment they will be in every day is safe, caring and vibrant.
There are several resources for how to choose the best day care. One of the ones I relied on was the Kansas Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies. The association has a toll-free number and database you can search that compiles state-registered and state-licensed day cares, as well as information sheets on what to look for and what types of questions to ask if you’re looking for day care. For a new parent, this information is essential and can help guide you in a process that feels overwhelming.
The other advice I can give is twofold — listen to your instincts when it comes to choosing child care and check several references of both current and past parents whose children were and are under your prospective provider’s care.
If you have any other advice to share about navigating the day care dilemma, leave a comment on this post.
My Boy Is Growing Up
There are two major things I’m thinking about for my 2 1/2-year-old right now, in addition to trying to get him properly potty trained. And they are big steps, all, as well as signs of how quickly he is growing up.
One is transitioning him out of his crib into a bed he can get into and out of without acrobatics and the second is when to send him to preschool.
Let’s talk about the transition from crib to bed first because that doesn’t freak me out too much. He has been able to climb out of his crib for some time, though he rarely does it. But, he’s been starting to do it a little more frequently over the past month or so. Plus, if we’re really serious about this potty-training thing, he needs to be able to get out of his bed to go to the bathroom.
It takes some pretty good climbing skills for him to get out of his crib. There is nothing around his crib for him to use to get in and out of it — no dresser or changing table or other furniture. In some ways, I’m proud that he’s such a good climber, and in other ways, scared that he’s such a good climber. He LOVES the jungle gym at the playground, going up ladders, down slides, riding his bike, and just plain running around. I think he is going to be a wiz at tag. Anyway, the point is that he has other opportunities to play and climb, and I don’t want him climbing in and out of his crib when he’s sleepy and when it’s dark. So, it’s about time to take down the crib bars.
I asked for suggestions on Twitter to help with the transition and got some helpful replies. They included letting my son pick out the bed and/or the bedding; keeping the before-bed routine the same and only changing the bed with the idea being if he’s tired, he’ll stay in bed; offering a sticker chart if he stays in bed except for to go to the bathroom; and saying you’ll be back to check on him in a few minutes, then five minutes, then 10 minutes until the child goes to sleep.
Now that I’m armed with some good ideas, all we need to do is decide on a date to make the switch.
The second thing on my mind right now is when to start preschool. It’s sort of snuck up on me, and it’s a little disconcerting to think about my son starting school. Is he ready for school? Does he need to go to preschool at age 3? Should we wait a year? Lots of questions floating around in my mind.
We take him to a daycare where he socializes with kids, plays outside and inside, goes to storytime, colors, makes crafts, plays with Play-Doh, and other things. And at home, we play together, color, read to him, work on his colors, and more. So I am wondering just what benefit going to preschool at age 3 will bring and does he really need to go to school yet.
When I first found out that kids can go to school at 3, the whole idea of going to school that early seemed silly to me. But now that my son is nearly 3, it doesn’t seem that out-of-whack, because he learns quickly and likes trying and doing new things.
So I’ve started to do a little research about what preschool at age 3 means. I’m finding that a lot of the activities sound similar to what happens at daycare, so right now I’m thinking we will wait a year. At 4-year-old preschool, there’s more education specific learning, from my understanding, including recognizing letters, and starting to prepare for kindergarten. Plus, waiting a year will give us time to get him potty trained. Because at the rate we’re going, I don’t know if we’re going to make it by the time fall comes around.
If anyone has any suggestions or advice on either of these topics, please leave me a comment in the comments section or drop me an e-mail or Tweet.
Day Care Inspections Debate
Members of the Kansas Senate Public Health and Welfare Committee have been discussing a bill that would change current law regarding how day cares in Kansas are inspected.
To explain about current law, in Kansas, there are registered day cares and there are licensed day cares. Registered day cares have different requirements than licensed day cares. The proposal under discussion in the Senate would require registered day cares to face inspections just like licensed day cares.
Registered day cares are (from the Kansas Department of Health and Environment’s Web site):
A provider’s own residence in which care is provided by the applicant for not more than six children form birth to 16 years of age with not more than three children under 18 months of age. All children under 12 years of age related to the provider are included in the total.
- The registrant must be 18 years of age, have an understanding of children and complete first aid training.
- A KBI criminal history and child abuse and neglect background check is processed on all persons living, working or volunteering in the registered family day care home.
- State Certificate Fee is $5.00. Local fees may also apply.
- The registrant must complete a safety evaluation attesting to the safety of the home in providing for the health and well-being of the children. A registered family day care home is not inspected unless KDHE receives a complaint.
Licensed day cares are (from the Kansas Department of Health and Environment’s Web site):
A child care facility in which care is provided for a maximum of ten (10) children under 16 years of age and includes children under eleven (11) years of age related to the provider. This total includes children under eleven (11) years of age related to the provider. The total number of children in care at any one time is based on the ages of the children in care.
- The license is usually issued for the provider’s own home but may be issued at a location other than the provider’s home. The license identifies the address of the child care facility.
- The licensee must be 18 years of age, have an understanding of children and complete first aid and child care job related training or readings.
- A KBI criminal history and child abuse and neglect background check is processed on all persons living, working or volunteering in the licensed day care home.
- State Licensing fee $15.00. Local fees may also apply.
- The licensed day care home is inspected to check compliance with regulations to protect the health, safety and well-being of the children in care at least once every 12 months. The Kansas Department of Health and Environment contracts with local county health departments or private contractors to conduct on-site inspections.
A bill under discussion now in the Kansas Senate seeks to have registered day cares added to the list of providers that are inspected, though the bill says that the day cares will be inspected every 15 months instead of every 12 months. In addition, the bill, which you can read here, requires that the day care provider be within eyesight and earshot of the children at all times.
Having taken my child to both a registered day care and a licensed day care, the care he received at both places was and is excellent. But in each case, I did my homework in a similar way and chose from among several options, both registered and licensed. I visited the day cares and observed how the provider and children interacted, asked a lot of questions of the day care provider and asked a lot of questions of mothers who had taken and were currently taking their children to the day care provider.
If you interview a provider whose philosophy on how quickly you should pick up a crying baby, or on how much television it’s OK to watch, or whatever the issue, is different than yours, you may decide to seek another option. If the day care provider smokes, you might decide to choose a different provider. If the day care provider doesn’t have CPR training, you might want a different provider. If the day care provider doesn’t have an open door policy so that you can come see, visit or pick up your child at any time, you should pick a different provider.
There are any number of considerations that could prompt you to not pick a provider. And I can tell you, parents agonize over their decision. After all, during the week, their child spends more of their waking hours in the care of the day care provider than the parent.
I think daily interaction with your child and day care provider is the best way to make sure your child is safe and cared for at day care. Even though my son doesn’t get too detailed yet, I ask him what he did at day care, how his day went and other questions. The goal is to make sure he’s having mostly good days, he’s not being bullied at day care, he’s not the bully at day care, he’s sharing well, he’s not eating all junk food, etc.
The state inspector cannot be there every day, but the parent can. And it is the parent who needs to ask how the child is doing and how things are going each day. I don’t see any disadvantages to mandated state inspections, and it’s possible the inspections might prevent some accidents, but either way the vote goes, parents will continue checking in with their providers and children to help ensure their children are safe and well cared for. The parents and the providers I’ve dealt with wouldn’t have it any other way.